this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
