If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
