My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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