dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
