I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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