We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
