My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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