What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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