my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
