Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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