My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
