she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
