the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
