Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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