the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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