I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
