OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
