Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
