I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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