Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
