so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i will never coherently bang her
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
