I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
