if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
