I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
