I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How does it feel to date your dad?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
