All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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