i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
