I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
