Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
