I could have mohawked her pubes.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
