Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
