How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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