I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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