i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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