You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
