hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I seem to have left my pride at pride
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
