I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's shark week go big or go home
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
