He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
