I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm really busy with my period
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