I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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