The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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