May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
