i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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