I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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