Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
