last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
