The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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