Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
