I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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