You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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