That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
