he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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