Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
