My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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